1. Members of the party in power pledge allegiance to their party's
At a GOP dinner in San
Diego, the fine Republican attendees stood like good meerkats and began
to say the Pledge of Allegiance until some observant Pavlovian diner noticed
that there was no, you know, American flag to pledge to. "Pledge to the
elephant," shouted one quick-thinking GOPer, and all the pledgers, including
weepy Rep. Darrell Issa, turned to say the pledge to a starred and striped
2. Children sing songs in praise of the government, no matter how incompetent
and dangerous they've been to those children.
At the gay-infused White House Easter egg hunt, a group
of "Katrina Kids" sang a song about how major great President Bush,
Congress, and FEMA have been in helping them. It's a little like a National
Guard member thanking Bush for sending him to Iraq 'cause it gets him out
of the house. Except creepier. The song was sung to the tune of that song
of blind optimism by Cy Coleman, "Hey, Look Me Over," which has
the prescient line, "I figure whenever you’re down and out, the
only way is up." Truer words, motherfuckers, truer words.
3. The government creates guidelines telling adults what they can and
can't do with their bodies.
The Department of Health and Human Services' Administration for Children
and Families has defined
"abstinence" for abstinence-only programs seeking federal grants.
That definition says abstinence ain't just a bullshit lie that conservatives
tell teenagers. Nope, see, now the only time you can fuck is in a man-woman
marriage. Otherwise, no fucking, of any sort: no single sex, no gay sex, no
Scalia-approved orgies, no under the desk blow jobs, no on top of the desk
anal, no muff-diving, no rim jobs, no hand jobs, no backward daisy chain monkey
in the middles with a butterfly twist. No sexual stimulation between two people
unless one's a guy, one's a gal, and they're miserably united in connubial
Hey, all we need is morning bread lines, absurd government secrecy,
spying on citizens, a foreign policy of militarily imposing our ideology on
others, and soaring fuel prices...oh, shit. Scratch that. All we need is morning
bread lines, and then welcome to the Politburo's America.
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