When they're not investigating toy store owners for selling Rubik's cubes or handing out federal grants for tiny towns to install surveillance cameras to spy on everyone, Homeland Security is busy protecting us from the enemy by investigating you if you pay off credit card debt.

Underlining again the fact that the record growth in government since George Bush took office has nothing to do with terrorism and everything to do with controlling the lives of ordinary Americans, a retired Texas school teacher recently came under the microscope of big brother when he attempted to level on his JCPenney Platinum MasterCard.

After mailing in a check for $6,522, Walter Soehnge was miffed to discover that his negative balance remained the same.

After calling the credit card company, Soehnge was told that his behavior was questionable. Any amount that is a certain percentage higher than the usual monthly payment automatically triggers a Homeland Security investigation.

"We're a product of the '60s," says Soehnge. "We believe government should be way away from us in that regard."

"The more I'm on, the scarier it gets," he said. "It's scary how easily someone in Homeland Security can get permission to spy."

Mr. Soehnge obviously hasn't acclimatized himself to the new world order. Government is now our boss, they do not represent us, they do not serve us, we serve them. Government can become as secret as it likes, even re-classify as secret documents that were already in the public domain, but we have to be under suspicion all the time and it's for our own protection.

Homeland Security paid a visit to Pufferbelly Toys owner Stephanie Cox to help stop Al-Qaeda. The knock-off Rubik's Cubes she was selling could have been used on the black market to fund Al-Qaeda. The agents, ever dutiful in their defense of America, stood and sternly watched as Stephanie removed every toy from the shelf.

Likewise, alarm bells were ringing when Homeland discovered that the kindergarten class at Lakewood’s Taft Elementary was planning a field trip to NASA Glenn Research Center.

Access to the center is restricted to US citizens only and because two of the 6-year-olds were foreign born, Homeland patriotically ordered the school to cancel the trip. Yet another deadly terrorist cell was disrupted before their plan to .....get excited about seeing rocket ships..... could be enacted.

We can all sleep soundly tonight safe in the knowledge that Homeland Security is one step ahead of retired schoolteachers, toy store owners and kindergartners. The terrorists know that Homeland is watching them and they are on the run. God bless America.